baby, it's a wild world

Have you ever wanted to step outside of yourself and break the patterns of predictability and normalcy?

I have this constant and unexplainable compulsion to keep my actions consistent, my personality consistent. Don't get me wrong, I reincarnate myself at least twice a year, finding new things out about my multi-layer self. However, there's always that fear of people thinking you're odd, fake, schizophrenic or bipolar or have some other mental abnormality. I find myself stuck in this juxtaposition between moral and immoral (I hope I used "juxtaposition" correctly, but if not, at least it's a beautiful word).

I have the dangerous desire to be typical and cliche, to break rules and make stupid choices for spiteful reasons. I hear constant gossip of so-and-so's drunken escapades or Jane's basement weed parties and I think to myself, "Are they bad? Are those choices bad? Is there even such a thing as an immoral action or choice? And when in my childhood did I establish my preconceived notions of good and bad?"

Supposing I smoked or drank or whored myself about the general community, would that make me less of a person? Or, in fact, would it make me more? Would it quench my hunger to live a passionate, full life? Would I gain wisdom from experience or would I just be your average teenager getting "fucked up" and having a good time just for the hell of it?

These wonderings began last winter I suppose. The more I'm exposed to, the more curious I am, and consequently contemplative.

I wonder every day what constitutes the value of a person and what variables have worth in calculating it.

Again I come back to the question: If I chose to do this, this, and this, does that make me BAD?

The newest John Mayer single is helping me let go of who I am, learn to roll with it. For now. Not to mention the cinematography is beautiful and the melody is lulling.